It's awesome.
The Sanger's home is, well, homey. I've acquired a new puppy friend, Tessla. She's been protective of me for reasons that Mrs. Sanger and I can't really understand, but she's sweet (when she's not attacking Java). Tess is actually in my lap right now as I'm typing. Silly dog, love her.
I'm actually loving being here. I'm excited about the prospect of a new job in a new place, but it's pretty great here in this little apartment-like bedroom I'm in. It's got a walk in closet space and my own bathroom, a couch and a coffee table, a big desk and two beds! It's cozy.
I'm also learning my way around a little bit. I've been to Seattle, Redmond, Marysville, and Silverdale so far. In Woodinville I've ventured to Redhook Brewery for dinner and beers with Johnathan and to Barnes and Nobel. Not bad for having been here not even a week yet! I think I'm better with directions that Johnathan is. He would argue about that, but it's true. I think I inherited a good sense of direction from my mom.
It's raining a lot, but I expected that. It's warmer here than it was in Tennessee, but I guess it's getting warming up there too. I'm missing friends but not in a homesick way. Before, I always wanted to be on the phone with someone, or I would wish that someone from home could be with me to experience things. Now, I'm really content and I'm living it for me. I do hope friends come to visit though. I would love that. (Hint, hint).
Friday, January 15, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
2009 Recap
This seems fun, even if you are not entertained by it.
January 2009
January 2009
- Moved in with Jacky Ritchey to St. Elmo (awesome)!
- Finished up college ministry internship applications and began praying about WA.
- Picked up Brian Burden at 4am from Moccasin Bend after an understated bad day.
- Started working at Market St. Tavern.
- Made contact with Alan (yikes).
- Went to the Dominican Republic with Children of the Nations!
- Found out my parents were separating/divorcing.
- Accepted a position with the INN in Bellingham, WA.
- Met Luke at TBA climbing gym.
- Katie died.
- Visited Bellingham, WA.
- Started spending muchas amounts of time with Alan.
- Decided to leave for Bellingham early.
- Made lots of summer memories!
- Kentucky 4th of July with MH.
- Parents signed divorce papers.
- Jessica moved to Maryland.
- Ann moved away and started grad school in Nashville.
- I left Chattanooga for the Pacific Northwest (the 15th).
- Day 2 met Kurtis at Boundary Bay. Perfect.
- Moved in with my host fam, the Gauthiers!
- Learned to love vegetables.
- My sister got engaged!
- Friends at home went through some hard times.
- Got homesick and went home for 10 days.
- Started the internship at the INN.
- Made amazing friends in Bellingham (mostly Emily and Patrick).
- Met Ansel Sanger.
- Missed home and cried a lot.
- Saw some of the most beautiful sunsets of my life.
- Hiked up a mountain!
- Left the INN.
- Met Mama Sanger.
- Started the job search.
- Started to feel alive again.
- Had a really weird Halloween.
- Fell in love with Seattle!
- Decided to go home for a while.
- Mom and Aunt Wilma came to Seattle to visit.
- Left WA behind for some clarity.
- Returned to Chattanooga to be with friends. Slept on a lot of couches.
- Had an awesome unexpected reunion with Ann and Jessica.
- Closed the Alan book.
- MH graduated!!
- Made memories with my TN friends that I'll treasure for a lifetime.
- 24th birthday.
- Jessica left to backpack Asia. We connected over vagabonding.
- Danielle and I realize we're leading parallel lives.
- Got to live with Erik and Becca Dine and their adorable kids for a few weeks.
- Had some sweet fellowship at Calvary Chapel.
- Spent New Year's with the loves of my life.
- Kara got married!
- Bought a ticket back to Washington to live with the Sangers for a while.
Friday, December 18, 2009
The things they could tell you...
My friends, that is. They could tell you things about me that I'd never want shared in lifetime- embarrassing things and funny things, memories we'll hold on to forever. But they could also tell you things that would make you proud.
I've come to realize that maybe the chief frustration of my time spent in Washington is that I let very few people really know me like my friends do here. I let one person know one part of me and another person another part, but I wasn't whole with anyone. Part of knowing a person comes from experiencing life together, sharing meals and sharing hard times, and I just wasn't there long enough for that to happen. I want to take some time and reflect on who I was/am here, who I was there and maybe what can be expected for the future.
Here, my friends would tell you that I'm driven. I was a straight A student, and all my major changes happened within one semester. I knew I loved the complexities of stories, grammar, writing, and poetry so I chose that academic path. I was born for stories. I did poetry readings, and I fell in love with Milton's Paradise Lost, 17th century Brit lit, Southern lit, and modern poetry all at the same time. I thought that for a long time I would end up teaching. I still think that could be in my future. I know I'm passionate about it. Even writing this I come to a point where I want to throw all other plans away and pursue a master's in literature and then go teach and watch students make connections between their own lives and the words in a novel because they related to something in Faulkner or Milton or Akhmatova. And I know without a doubt that I could do it and that I'd be really happy.
I don't know if anyone in Washington saw me as a driven, successful, passionate person. In the midst of everything going on I think I seemed a little lost. And yes, it was an extremely difficult time, but I'm a creative person. I'm an ambitious person. And I'm a passionate person. Once I set my mind to something, I work hard to get there. At the INN, all I or anyone else could see was failure. It wasn't like me. I've never really failed at anything. So it was a humbling experience. I only wish that failure wasn't the only part of me people had known. There was and is a lot more.
My friends would also tell you that I'm a dreamer. That's true. I don't give up hope easily. I might cry a lot, and there are times that I feel like I'm standing on the edge of my sanity, but I know that I will make it in this world. Being 2,000+ miles from home though, definitely weakened my spirit and this part of me was alive but quietened. I think that people around me only saw that I was depressed, not the part of me that was growing.
"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all"
(from Hope, Emily Dickinson)
So what I wish people had known- 1) I don't usually fail (here's my pride coming in again)
2) I don't usually give up hope and 3) I'm going to be ok. It's a trying time, on my knees here praying for something to come through, but my eyes are set on Washington, for whatever reason the Lord would have me to be there. Just like I've always done, I'm following my heart, and I will get there... "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise."
I've come to realize that maybe the chief frustration of my time spent in Washington is that I let very few people really know me like my friends do here. I let one person know one part of me and another person another part, but I wasn't whole with anyone. Part of knowing a person comes from experiencing life together, sharing meals and sharing hard times, and I just wasn't there long enough for that to happen. I want to take some time and reflect on who I was/am here, who I was there and maybe what can be expected for the future.
Here, my friends would tell you that I'm driven. I was a straight A student, and all my major changes happened within one semester. I knew I loved the complexities of stories, grammar, writing, and poetry so I chose that academic path. I was born for stories. I did poetry readings, and I fell in love with Milton's Paradise Lost, 17th century Brit lit, Southern lit, and modern poetry all at the same time. I thought that for a long time I would end up teaching. I still think that could be in my future. I know I'm passionate about it. Even writing this I come to a point where I want to throw all other plans away and pursue a master's in literature and then go teach and watch students make connections between their own lives and the words in a novel because they related to something in Faulkner or Milton or Akhmatova. And I know without a doubt that I could do it and that I'd be really happy.
I don't know if anyone in Washington saw me as a driven, successful, passionate person. In the midst of everything going on I think I seemed a little lost. And yes, it was an extremely difficult time, but I'm a creative person. I'm an ambitious person. And I'm a passionate person. Once I set my mind to something, I work hard to get there. At the INN, all I or anyone else could see was failure. It wasn't like me. I've never really failed at anything. So it was a humbling experience. I only wish that failure wasn't the only part of me people had known. There was and is a lot more.
My friends would also tell you that I'm a dreamer. That's true. I don't give up hope easily. I might cry a lot, and there are times that I feel like I'm standing on the edge of my sanity, but I know that I will make it in this world. Being 2,000+ miles from home though, definitely weakened my spirit and this part of me was alive but quietened. I think that people around me only saw that I was depressed, not the part of me that was growing.
"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all"
(from Hope, Emily Dickinson)
So what I wish people had known- 1) I don't usually fail (here's my pride coming in again)
2) I don't usually give up hope and 3) I'm going to be ok. It's a trying time, on my knees here praying for something to come through, but my eyes are set on Washington, for whatever reason the Lord would have me to be there. Just like I've always done, I'm following my heart, and I will get there... "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise."
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
New-Old Haircut
Happy Wednesday. It's better than a Hawks Day, even a winning Hawks Day.
I got my hair cut today, a $50 gift from Mom for the birthday. Michael did a great job, as usual. I'm back to the bob- shiny, sleek perfection. It funny what an hour at a salon does. I walked out feeling brand new. It was the icing on yesterday's cake.
To back up a little, I am now driving the minivan belonging to Annika while she's in Portland/Tacoma/Seattle for the holidays. It's so nice to be able to get around! I've missed my music and my alone time. I'm also working at Rembrandt's over the holidays. Chattanooga's favorite barista will be back in action tomorrow! Megan moved to Atlanta on Monday so we loaded the minivan with about 7 tubs of clothes, an ironing board, a bathroom cabinet, etc. and headed down to Georgia. I got back yesterday and stayed the night with Jody.
So yesterday's cake...
Last night I watched To Kill a Mockingbird. I loved the book so I wasn't sure how I would feel about the movie, but the man who played Atticus Finch was dreamy, and everything played out exactly as I had pictured. It was fun to watch an old movie on the couch.
I also got to talk with Mama Sanger for quite a while, which absolutely made my night. I adore her, and I feel more than blessed to have her in my life. After we got off the phone, all of the anxiety that I had been feeling about this-that-and-the-other had been calmed and I was excited again about Washington. Not that I'm not always excited to some extent, but sometimes it gets lost in the midst of other things.
Then, I got to reconnect with Johnathan since he's been back in Seattle and I've been back in Tennessee. We've talked some, but last night we really got to catch up. If you had told me 5 years ago when I met him that I'd end up moving to Seattle and that we'd be hanging out/going on dates, I wouldn't have believed you. It's funny to think about us then working at Hollister, going to formals, and essentially me running away from him for no good reason, and now here I am, moving to Seattle where he lives. I remember when he used to talk about Washington, and I didn't listen at all. Now it's the place I'm making my home. When I get back he's taking me to Chateau Ste. Michelle and to a casino. What a combination, and what fun it will be.
I'm sleepy again. Must be the excitement and a little bit of being sick. Here's to the future and to a nap.
I got my hair cut today, a $50 gift from Mom for the birthday. Michael did a great job, as usual. I'm back to the bob- shiny, sleek perfection. It funny what an hour at a salon does. I walked out feeling brand new. It was the icing on yesterday's cake.
To back up a little, I am now driving the minivan belonging to Annika while she's in Portland/Tacoma/Seattle for the holidays. It's so nice to be able to get around! I've missed my music and my alone time. I'm also working at Rembrandt's over the holidays. Chattanooga's favorite barista will be back in action tomorrow! Megan moved to Atlanta on Monday so we loaded the minivan with about 7 tubs of clothes, an ironing board, a bathroom cabinet, etc. and headed down to Georgia. I got back yesterday and stayed the night with Jody.
So yesterday's cake...
Last night I watched To Kill a Mockingbird. I loved the book so I wasn't sure how I would feel about the movie, but the man who played Atticus Finch was dreamy, and everything played out exactly as I had pictured. It was fun to watch an old movie on the couch.
I also got to talk with Mama Sanger for quite a while, which absolutely made my night. I adore her, and I feel more than blessed to have her in my life. After we got off the phone, all of the anxiety that I had been feeling about this-that-and-the-other had been calmed and I was excited again about Washington. Not that I'm not always excited to some extent, but sometimes it gets lost in the midst of other things.
Then, I got to reconnect with Johnathan since he's been back in Seattle and I've been back in Tennessee. We've talked some, but last night we really got to catch up. If you had told me 5 years ago when I met him that I'd end up moving to Seattle and that we'd be hanging out/going on dates, I wouldn't have believed you. It's funny to think about us then working at Hollister, going to formals, and essentially me running away from him for no good reason, and now here I am, moving to Seattle where he lives. I remember when he used to talk about Washington, and I didn't listen at all. Now it's the place I'm making my home. When I get back he's taking me to Chateau Ste. Michelle and to a casino. What a combination, and what fun it will be.
I'm sleepy again. Must be the excitement and a little bit of being sick. Here's to the future and to a nap.
Friday, December 11, 2009
It's Christmas Time in the (smaller) City
I'm applying for jobs. I'm driving a minivan that doesn't belong to me. I'm sharing beds and couches with friends. And I'm loving life, despite the lack of income and clarity. I'm embracing this time, and I'm rejecting mixed CDs that only make me sentimental for times gone by. I want to live right now.It's cold here, but I bet it's colder there. This bit of writing is incoherent. Just writing to remind myself that I'm alive. Words, words, words.
Monday, November 9, 2009
It's not really a breakup
with the Pacific Northwest that is. I said "I quit you West Coast," but it's only for a short time. I need to come home and fill up. I need to come home and be with friends and family for Thanksgiving, and my birthday and Christmas. I just need to re-center and remember and then come back.
I know that I go back and forth on so many things and ideas and plans. I just work things out in my mind by saying them out loud. That's why I like Ansel Sanger- he gets that. So to everyone who has heard some or all or parts of my planning, I'm sorry if I've exhausted you with random ideas and future projections.
So I bought a ticket home for the holidays. I'll be home in 7 days. How am I going to get around? I don't know. Where will I work? I don't know. How will I get back here? Probably a plane ticket with my birthday money unless by the grace of God I end up with a car, and then I'll drive out West. (What an adventure that will be!!) I basically have no answers, but I know that I have to get back here. Something will turn up out here. Something is in the works behind the scenes.
Ok God, I'm trusting you to turn my best laid plans into something great because right now, they're a mess.
Mercy. That's what I want for Christmas. (And a car.) I want my friends and family to try to understand that this is it for me. This journey that I'm on is worth it to me. If it doesn't make sense or seems irrational and irresponsible, know that I'm doing the best I can.
Yes, I'm in debt. When a job comes through out here though, I won't be anymore. I want to pay things off. I want to start fresh. But since my senior year of college, the economy has been terrible. It would have been great to have had a good paying job right out of college and be on my way to debt-free already, but I've taken the jobs that have come. Even if it's not apparent, know that my mind and heart are working hard to figure out a life for myself. Also, let's put our faith in God that he will see this through.
Now I feel like I'm writing an apology for my life and my decisions. And I've felt like I need to do that since I got out here. But this life is my own. I decided to come home for the holidays, and it's in my plan to get back out here as soon as possible. Before January 1. New Years. It's a must. My heart says so.
I'm excited to be coming home for the holidays, but I'm greatly anticipating my return to Seattle. Cheers Chattanooga, Fayetteville, and the Pacific Northwest.
See you soon friends.
I know that I go back and forth on so many things and ideas and plans. I just work things out in my mind by saying them out loud. That's why I like Ansel Sanger- he gets that. So to everyone who has heard some or all or parts of my planning, I'm sorry if I've exhausted you with random ideas and future projections.
Bellingham-the INN- Bellingham jobs- Children of the Nations, Seattle- Bellingham jobs-
Seattle jobs- No jobs- No car- Car=job - Car, Seattle? - Car- Chattanooga? -
No car= bum around - place to live? - Seattle in January - job/car to get to Seattle in January? - Move in with parents? - job? - car?
- Seattle?
This web of a mess of questions is always rolling around in my head. What do you do when plans don't work out? I have nothing here. No car to get to a job, no professional clothes to even interview, only a temporary place to stay, and no furniture even if I did have a place of my own. But I'm supposed to be out here. I know it. Seattle jobs- No jobs- No car- Car=job - Car, Seattle? - Car- Chattanooga? -
No car= bum around - place to live? - Seattle in January - job/car to get to Seattle in January? - Move in with parents? - job? - car?
- Seattle?
So I bought a ticket home for the holidays. I'll be home in 7 days. How am I going to get around? I don't know. Where will I work? I don't know. How will I get back here? Probably a plane ticket with my birthday money unless by the grace of God I end up with a car, and then I'll drive out West. (What an adventure that will be!!) I basically have no answers, but I know that I have to get back here. Something will turn up out here. Something is in the works behind the scenes.
Ok God, I'm trusting you to turn my best laid plans into something great because right now, they're a mess.
Mercy. That's what I want for Christmas. (And a car.) I want my friends and family to try to understand that this is it for me. This journey that I'm on is worth it to me. If it doesn't make sense or seems irrational and irresponsible, know that I'm doing the best I can.
Yes, I'm in debt. When a job comes through out here though, I won't be anymore. I want to pay things off. I want to start fresh. But since my senior year of college, the economy has been terrible. It would have been great to have had a good paying job right out of college and be on my way to debt-free already, but I've taken the jobs that have come. Even if it's not apparent, know that my mind and heart are working hard to figure out a life for myself. Also, let's put our faith in God that he will see this through.
Now I feel like I'm writing an apology for my life and my decisions. And I've felt like I need to do that since I got out here. But this life is my own. I decided to come home for the holidays, and it's in my plan to get back out here as soon as possible. Before January 1. New Years. It's a must. My heart says so.
I'm excited to be coming home for the holidays, but I'm greatly anticipating my return to Seattle. Cheers Chattanooga, Fayetteville, and the Pacific Northwest.
See you soon friends.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A New Perspective
I haven't written since I came back from visiting Tennessee. I got back a the end of August, started my internship at the ministry September 2nd, and left the ministry October 14th. A month and half has felt more like nine, carrying a weight that I hoped would birth something beautiful. Instead, it's all a little like Benjamen Button. What was born was premature and already dying. I can only hope, and I have faith, that what was born will grow into something wonderful, and will end with a childlike wonder at miracles.
This Tennessee, Southern girl, stands now at the foot of the mountains, at the edge of the bay with arms wide open, welcoming the breeze on her cheek and the fog all around. It has been said time and time again, but I find it to be ever true that God does indeed work in mysterious ways. I've already learned so much...
1
God is no respecter of plane tickets or miles. His plan, if you are willing to follow Him, may cost you.
2
Even when God has brought you to the limit, to the edge, to the other side of the country, He doesn't leave you. He may be quieter than usual, but He's there.
3
People are people. Tennessee, Washington, student, graduate, ministry staff, alcoholic, mover and shaker, the one who doesn't budge... We're all broken. And we're all amazing.
4
God works just as much through the Pickle Barrel Bar or Lamar's Lounge as he does through Calvary Chapel church or the INN ministries. He speaks, he heals, he brings people together, and it's up to us to listen to where he has asked us to go or be. I was no closer or further from God in "ministry" than when I was at a bar with my dearest friends.
5
God must delight in the unfolding of his plan. Like watching a child on a scavenger hunt for buried treasure, the writer of the life map I'm on is smiling, I think, to watch me follow where he leads.
6
God brings people into our life unexpectedly, even for a month, that change us. God uses us to make each other better. The Emily's, Patrick's, and Ansel's will never be the Laurren's, the David's, or the Megan's, but just the opposite is true too. Everyone means something different, and every person is dear to me. I believe if we listen, God whispers and draws us near to each other so that we may delight and challenge each other for the better.
7
I am not always right. My way is not always the best. Sometimes it is better to listen and not to defend. Selfishness is a disease, and I am infected. Lord, and friends, have mercy on me.
8
Miles and time cannot separate us from Love. No matter if I don't see or talk to my friends at home for days, weeks, a month, I still love them and adore them more than I can explain. How much more is this true of God? He just keeps loving me, even when I'm far away from Him, even when I don't call or write.
9
The world is rich and full of beauty. I believe there is no place on earth that doesn't reveal the glory of God in some way. And as long as there are coffee shops and books and music and paintings and glasses of wine and cats that run away, the little things in life will continue to inspire me, just as much as the mountains, the bay, and the hills of my home.
10
I have discovered a passion that has been in my heart all along, but I n ever knew it. I love the South, and I believe God loves the South. He loves Africa, and the Dominican, and New Orleans and "those" places... He has blessed the Pacific Northwest with sustainability and affluence and a pretty cool culture, my heart and I believe God's too hold a place for the Southern skies. I see needs for better education, for a greener way of life, for economic stability in our communities. This may be my life-long passion. I don't know when I'll return... I guess when God is ready for me to, and when I do, I will run. I will fall down on my knees and praise the God who formed me from Alabama red clay and who made cotton and the sunset that disappears into the Tennessee River. I'll praise the God who carved the cliffs, who shaped the rolling hills, who makes thunderstorms for watchin' on front porches and who lights up the fireflies on Southern summer nights. And when I'm there, you can have my life Dear Dixieland. Until then, adieu.
God is no respecter of plane tickets or miles. His plan, if you are willing to follow Him, may cost you.
2
Even when God has brought you to the limit, to the edge, to the other side of the country, He doesn't leave you. He may be quieter than usual, but He's there.
3
People are people. Tennessee, Washington, student, graduate, ministry staff, alcoholic, mover and shaker, the one who doesn't budge... We're all broken. And we're all amazing.
4
God works just as much through the Pickle Barrel Bar or Lamar's Lounge as he does through Calvary Chapel church or the INN ministries. He speaks, he heals, he brings people together, and it's up to us to listen to where he has asked us to go or be. I was no closer or further from God in "ministry" than when I was at a bar with my dearest friends.
5
God must delight in the unfolding of his plan. Like watching a child on a scavenger hunt for buried treasure, the writer of the life map I'm on is smiling, I think, to watch me follow where he leads.
6
God brings people into our life unexpectedly, even for a month, that change us. God uses us to make each other better. The Emily's, Patrick's, and Ansel's will never be the Laurren's, the David's, or the Megan's, but just the opposite is true too. Everyone means something different, and every person is dear to me. I believe if we listen, God whispers and draws us near to each other so that we may delight and challenge each other for the better.
7
I am not always right. My way is not always the best. Sometimes it is better to listen and not to defend. Selfishness is a disease, and I am infected. Lord, and friends, have mercy on me.
8
Miles and time cannot separate us from Love. No matter if I don't see or talk to my friends at home for days, weeks, a month, I still love them and adore them more than I can explain. How much more is this true of God? He just keeps loving me, even when I'm far away from Him, even when I don't call or write.
9
The world is rich and full of beauty. I believe there is no place on earth that doesn't reveal the glory of God in some way. And as long as there are coffee shops and books and music and paintings and glasses of wine and cats that run away, the little things in life will continue to inspire me, just as much as the mountains, the bay, and the hills of my home.
10
I have discovered a passion that has been in my heart all along, but I n ever knew it. I love the South, and I believe God loves the South. He loves Africa, and the Dominican, and New Orleans and "those" places... He has blessed the Pacific Northwest with sustainability and affluence and a pretty cool culture, my heart and I believe God's too hold a place for the Southern skies. I see needs for better education, for a greener way of life, for economic stability in our communities. This may be my life-long passion. I don't know when I'll return... I guess when God is ready for me to, and when I do, I will run. I will fall down on my knees and praise the God who formed me from Alabama red clay and who made cotton and the sunset that disappears into the Tennessee River. I'll praise the God who carved the cliffs, who shaped the rolling hills, who makes thunderstorms for watchin' on front porches and who lights up the fireflies on Southern summer nights. And when I'm there, you can have my life Dear Dixieland. Until then, adieu.
Southern traditions in transition...
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