Home is hard.

I'm sitting at the edge of one week with coffee and a quiche at Elk River Coffee in Fayetteville, TN. In two days I'll be back in Chattanooga to say some goodbyes and have one last weekend of memories. In the window here where I sit, I'm facing my mom's new apartment right off of the town square. It sits above a cosmetic store, an J. Paul's Insurance, an investment company and a thrift store. It's a new Fayetteville for me, a new home, a new not-home. As much as I want to embrace this place as my roots and the place of rest for my heart, I'm struggling to want to be here very much. It's lonely for me here, especially with my sister on vacation. She'll be back tomorrow, but then I leave on Friday for Chattanooga again. I've enjoyed seeing my great aunt and talking with my grandpa, but home itself is hard.

I must not be meant for this place.

I'm also fighting my Washington feelings right now. I am excited to be going, and I know it's going to be an adventure and a time to grow and learn and live. I know that the Lord will be with me in the place that I've been guided to. He may stand back and be silent, or he may be very vocal about what I'm doing. Maybe he trusts me to make my own decisions and not to expect him to think for me. Of course I want and crave his direction, but he still leaves me in control of my life, surrendering my will to his, but really I'm still the one living out my existence. (These musing may be loaded and may require further processing.) I just worry that I will feel alone. I'm going to miss my life in Chattanooga. I know that life goes on with or without me, and I worry about being forgotten. Sharing moments with my best friends is not an option for the next year of my life.

It's my turn to go out on my own I guess. Megan has her music, Laurren is a kick-ass professional, D-Haines is doing Nashville, Alan is too old to pin down to one thing or another that he's done that has meant something. He's done a lot. Ann is going to grad school, Drew has moved and come back as has Sarah. Rachel... she's definately lived. Danielle works it in Chattanooga. Me? I've lived too. But what's my thing? I guess school was, but school is over. It's time for me to go on and go out. I may miss Chattanooga with a bleeding heart, but I need to go and see and do and learn to love more and other people. I don't think God is content for me to only love some. And to be frank, I could be better at loving the people I already love too. Maybe that's what this year is: a lesson in loving... among other things.

There's only so much I can process at a time when my two subjects are 2,000 some odd miles apart. Here's to one week. Here's to Tennessee. Here's to you that I love. Here's to a new iPhone, rain gear, and a sic road bike...