The things they could tell you...

My friends, that is. They could tell you things about me that I'd never want shared in lifetime- embarrassing things and funny things, memories we'll hold on to forever. But they could also tell you things that would make you proud.

I've come to realize that maybe the chief frustration of my time spent in Washington is that I let very few people really know me like my friends do here. I let one person know one part of me and another person another part, but I wasn't whole with anyone. Part of knowing a person comes from experiencing life together, sharing meals and sharing hard times, and I just wasn't there long enough for that to happen. I want to take some time and reflect on who I was/am here, who I was there and maybe what can be expected for the future.

Here, my friends would tell you that I'm driven. I was a straight A student, and all my major changes happened within one semester. I knew I loved the complexities of stories, grammar, writing, and poetry so I chose that academic path. I was born for stories. I did poetry readings, and I fell in love with Milton's Paradise Lost, 17th century Brit lit, Southern lit, and modern poetry all at the same time. I thought that for a long time I would end up teaching. I still think that could be in my future. I know I'm passionate about it. Even writing this I come to a point where I want to throw all other plans away and pursue a master's in literature and then go teach and watch students make connections between their own lives and the words in a novel because they related to something in Faulkner or Milton or Akhmatova. And I know without a doubt that I could do it and that I'd be really happy.

I don't know if anyone in Washington saw me as a driven, successful, passionate person. In the midst of everything going on I think I seemed a little lost. And yes, it was an extremely difficult time, but I'm a creative person. I'm an ambitious person. And I'm a passionate person. Once I set my mind to something, I work hard to get there. At the INN, all I or anyone else could see was failure. It wasn't like me. I've never really failed at anything. So it was a humbling experience. I only wish that failure wasn't the only part of me people had known. There was and is a lot more.

My friends would also tell you that I'm a dreamer. That's true. I don't give up hope easily. I might cry a lot, and there are times that I feel like I'm standing on the edge of my sanity, but I know that I will make it in this world. Being 2,000+ miles from home though, definitely weakened my spirit and this part of me was alive but quietened. I think that people around me only saw that I was depressed, not the part of me that was growing.

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all"
(from Hope, Emily Dickinson)

So what I wish people had known- 1) I don't usually fail (here's my pride coming in again)
2) I don't usually give up hope and 3) I'm going to be ok. It's a trying time, on my knees here praying for something to come through, but my eyes are set on Washington, for whatever reason the Lord would have me to be there. Just like I've always done, I'm following my heart, and I will get there... "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise."

New-Old Haircut

Happy Wednesday. It's better than a Hawks Day, even a winning Hawks Day.

I got my hair cut today, a $50 gift from Mom for the birthday. Michael did a great job, as usual. I'm back to the bob- shiny, sleek perfection. It funny what an hour at a salon does. I walked out feeling brand new. It was the icing on yesterday's cake.

To back up a little, I am now driving the minivan belonging to Annika while she's in Portland/Tacoma/Seattle for the holidays. It's so nice to be able to get around! I've missed my music and my alone time. I'm also working at Rembrandt's over the holidays. Chattanooga's favorite barista will be back in action tomorrow! Megan moved to Atlanta on Monday so we loaded the minivan with about 7 tubs of clothes, an ironing board, a bathroom cabinet, etc. and headed down to Georgia. I got back yesterday and stayed the night with Jody.

So yesterday's cake...
Last night I watched To Kill a Mockingbird. I loved the book so I wasn't sure how I would feel about the movie, but the man who played Atticus Finch was dreamy, and everything played out exactly as I had pictured. It was fun to watch an old movie on the couch.

I also got to talk with Mama Sanger for quite a while, which absolutely made my night. I adore her, and I feel more than blessed to have her in my life. After we got off the phone, all of the anxiety that I had been feeling about this-that-and-the-other had been calmed and I was excited again about Washington. Not that I'm not always excited to some extent, but sometimes it gets lost in the midst of other things.

Then, I got to reconnect with Johnathan since he's been back in Seattle and I've been back in Tennessee. We've talked some, but last night we really got to catch up. If you had told me 5 years ago when I met him that I'd end up moving to Seattle and that we'd be hanging out/going on dates, I wouldn't have believed you. It's funny to think about us then working at Hollister, going to formals, and essentially me running away from him for no good reason, and now here I am, moving to Seattle where he lives. I remember when he used to talk about Washington, and I didn't listen at all. Now it's the place I'm making my home. When I get back he's taking me to Chateau Ste. Michelle and to a casino. What a combination, and what fun it will be.

I'm sleepy again. Must be the excitement and a little bit of being sick. Here's to the future and to a nap.

It's Christmas Time in the (smaller) City

I'm applying for jobs. I'm driving a minivan that doesn't belong to me. I'm sharing beds and couches with friends. And I'm loving life, despite the lack of income and clarity. I'm embracing this time, and I'm rejecting mixed CDs that only make me sentimental for times gone by. I want to live right now.

It's cold here, but I bet it's colder there. This bit of writing is incoherent. Just writing to remind myself that I'm alive. Words, words, words.